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12 Surprising Ways to Raise a Happy Child
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Have old-fashioned, unstructured fun. Successful kids are
frequently happy kids, but in your efforts to prepare your child for life's
challenges, resist the temptation to cram her schedule with too many
activities. All kids need a chance to decompress, take a break from play
dates and lessons, and simply play freely, letting their imagination guide
them. Unhurried time to catch lightning bugs, make snow angels, or watch a
spider spin its web enhances your child's sense of wonder and lets him
explore the world at his own pace.
Why not slow down your own
frenetic schedule, too, and join your child in the pursuit of fun? For
inspiration, check out 51 Best Ways to Amuse Kids, by Ellen van Wees
(Perigee Books, 2000). You'll find everything from bathtub adventures to
doll birthday parties.
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Teach your child to care. In order to be happy, a
child needs to feel that she is a valuable member of a larger community and
can touch people's lives in a meaningful way. Help instill this feeling by
giving her plenty of opportunities to reach out to others. Collect some old
toys that she no longer wants, and give them to a shelter for homeless
families. At the supermarket, ask her to select a few extra grocery items
that you can donate to a local food bank.
"Children can learn the joy
of helping others at a very young age," says Deborah Spaide, founder of Kids
Care and Family Cares, two volunteer organizations under the auspices of the
Points of Light Foundation, a Washington, D.C., organization that promotes
volunteerism. Kids Care clubs are sponsored by schools, churches, and
synagogues for elementary- and middle-school children, while Family Cares
provides at-home and community-based projects for parents with younger kids.
"One Family Cares project might be to make Huggy Bears from scraps of
clothing for babies and toddlers in a hospital in Tanzania," Spaide
explains. "Even a 2-year-old can help stuff the bear and point out where the
eyes and mouth go." For more information, log on to www.pointsoflight.org.
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Get physical. Go sledding with your kids,
or play tag in the park. Take bike rides together. You'll not only increase
your child's strength and stamina but give him reasons to smile. Keeping
active helps ease stress and lets kids blow off steam in a healthy way. Fit
kids also have a more positive body image; they take pride in what they can
do rather than obsess about what they look like. And if you encourage your
child in an activity he likes, you'll have given him one more way to have
fun.
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Laugh it up. Tell jokes, sing silly
songs, poke fun at yourself. Laughter is good for your child -- and for you.
One reason is purely physical: When you laugh, you release tension and take
in more oxygen, which sends spirits soaring.
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Be creative with praise. Don't just say, "Good job"
whenever your child makes progress toward a goal or masters a skill. Be
specific; point out the details that you find impressive. Saying, "The way
you described the hero in your book report made him come alive for me" or "I
like the way you've drawn those trees" is far more meaningful than a rote
pat on the back.
Similarly, don't overdo the
reward system. "I used to hand out prizes every Friday," says Laurie Rausch
Andrews, who teaches fourth grade in West Hartford, Connecticut. "But it got
to the point where the kids were more focused on the reward than on doing
well." Instead, let your child discover the satisfaction inherent in
accomplishing something.
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Make sure your child eats right. If your child is cranky or
fussy (but clearly not sick), she may be hungry. If it's not yet mealtime,
fix her a snack. But find something nutritious: Eating well minimizes mood
swings and contributes to a general sense of well-being. Good snack choices
include low-fat yogurt, fresh or dried fruit, and that old standby, peanut
butter and jelly on whole-wheat bread.
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Bring out the artist in your child. You've doubtless heard the
theory that listening to classical music boosts your child's brain power.
But exposure to music, dance, or any of the arts also enriches a child's
inner life and sense of self-worth. "Moving to music or playing with paints
gives your child an emotional outlet, a creative way to express his feelings
about himself and his world," says Eugene Golden, manager of the Music
Guild, a nonprofit organization that presents chamber-music concerts at
inner-city schools in Los Angeles. "The feeling of accomplishment that comes
from creating art, whether it's learning to play the piano or performing in
a school play, helps a child feel good about himself."
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Smile. Flashing a big grin to your
child reassures him as nothing else can. It's a shorthand way of saying, "I
love you." While you're at it, throw in a hug. The late teacher and writer
Virginia Satir used to say a person needs 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for
maintenance, and 16 for growth. And remember, all that smiling and hugging
is as good for you as it is for your child.
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Listen up. Nothing makes your child
feel as important as having your undivided attention. It tells her that
what's on her mind matters to you. Want to be a better listener? Don't lend
just half an ear. If your child speaks to you while you're in the middle of
paying bills or doing chores, stop and shift your focus to him. Whatever you
do, don't interrupt, finish his sentences, or rush him through his thoughts
-- even if you've heard it all before. Golden opportunities for undistracted
listening: while you're driving with your child or putting her to bed at
night.
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Give up on perfection. We all want our kids to do
their best. But whenever we step in to "fix" or "tidy up" an imperfect job,
we inadvertently undermine their confidence. "If we redust the spot she
missed or rewipe the kitchen counter, we're telling our child that what she
did wasn't good enough," says Karin Ireland, a mother and author of Boost
Your Child's Self-Esteem: Simple, Effective Ways to Build Children's
Self-Respect and Confidence (Berkley Books, 2000). "Unfortunately, kids can
begin to believe that they're not good enough."
The next time you're
tempted to correct your child's work, ask yourself: 1) Is there a health or
safety issue involved? and 2) Will this matter ten years from now? If the
answers are no, then let it go. Sure, helping your child acquire life skills
is a big part of parenting, Ireland says, but it's only one part. The
emotional connection between the two of you is more important than whether
she puts the fork in the right place when she sets the table.
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Teach your child to solve problems. From tying his shoelaces to
crossing the street safely, each skill your child masters is another step
toward independence. Indeed, just knowing that problems can be tackled (and
solved) helps your child feel good about herself. When she hits a snag --
whether it's teasing from a playmate or a puzzle that she can't put together
-- you can help her by following these steps: 1) Identify the problem; 2)
have her describe the solution she wants; 3) figure out what steps will lead
to that solution; 4) decide whether she can take the steps on her own or
needs help; 5) if she does need help, make sure she gets it.
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Give your child a chance to shine. Every child has a special
talent or skill; why not let him show it off a bit? Does he love books? Have
him read to you while you cook. Is she good with numbers? Let her scope out
the best buys when you go shopping. "When you share your child's enthusiasm
and show that you're impressed with his gifts," Karin Ireland says, "you
turn up his self-esteem another notch."
Reprinted from the January 2001
issue of Parents magazine.
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